Friends, this one is going to be all over the place. My brain has been a jumbled mess for the last 2.5 weeks. I’ve found ways to look beyond it. But it’s all come back to this.
God is so good. Amiright? [Yes, that’s one word, because Texas. Deal with it.]
Let me start by saying I’ve seen no shortage of God’s faithfulness and grace in my life. Those of you that know me, know how true that is. He’s made himself known and I’m so thankful to be along for the ride.
That being said, back to my brain jumble:
You know those things you just DON’T want to do? And you put it off and put it off… because, fear….. because, annoyance… whatever your ‘because’, you know what I’m talking about.
Well for me, that thing is my annual ‘lady appointment’.
[Sorry guys, if you’re reading this, it might be a little TMI. Ladies, I can already hear a few “Amens” and I haven’t even posted this yet. I hear you.]
I won’t go into too many details, but the ladies know what I mean when I say I don’t like to dress down into just a drafty, formless gown, sit on a piece of crinkly paper (that NEVER stays put,) on an uncomfortable exam table, in an unreasonably cold room. FOR-EV-ER.
[Seriously… Do you read a book? make a sandwich? look at your phone? All of the above??? I can think of SO many things I could do with that time spent WAITING in the exam room….]
So you wait FOR-EV-ER… Until a doctor you may have never met before comes in and tells you to spread ’em. And then gropes (<- not the scientific word for it- no they aren’t groping in the wrong way) around ALLLLLL the uncomfortable places. Pokes, prods, swabs. Then leaves you feeling a little violated because, seriously, this is not the ‘turn-and-cough’ experience the guys get.
[PS. Guys, you think you know. You don’t. You. Don’t. Even. Know. So don’t even.]
And a little humor because I get that nervous giggle when I have nothing else to do but think about it:
Well that happened a couple weeks ago. Whew. Done for another year!
But the part I have always dreaded, them “finding something.” Well, it happened this time.
It was precautionary, but there was an obvious abnormality felt before and during the breast exam. They tell you not to worry. That it may be nothing. But when it’s you. It’s hard to think of anything but.
I’d like to say I had complete trust that the Lord was going to heal me or that it would be nothing but honestly I didn’t.
I was terrified. Because of my past I knew that no matter what I would be strong with the Lord’s help alone. I knew that he would sustain me through whatever I was going to face. But I was scared.
They ordered a chest x-ray to make sure there was nothing going on with my ribs. I was able to get into that office within a couple days and get that done. It came back clear. Nothing abnormal. But they also ordered a breast ultrasound with the possibility of a full on mammogram in case something was abnormal in the ultrasound.
That appointment, I couldn’t get in for 2 full weeks! 2 weeks of worry. On and off. God says to “cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” [1 Peter 5:7] But like I said. Easier said than done.
Five days ago I got a call from the office where the ultrasound would take place and they let me know that nothing would be covered by insurance but it would go toward my deductible. Seriously… isn’t that what insurance is for?? I’m not going to say how much it was going to cost. But I will say that it didn’t lessen my worry any. In fact, I was ready to cancel my appointment. The chest x-ray had come back clear. Maybe it was nothing. No point in ending up with a HUGE dr bill for no reason, right? [The correct response to that is, ‘wrong.’ FYI.]
A series of phone calls, some anxiety ridden tears and a heartfelt conversation with my husband later. I decided to go ahead with the appointment.
So today I went in. I only had to get half dressed down in a drafty gown, was ushered into a warm waiting room, then into a softly lit exam room by a sweet, soft-spoken, ultrasound tech. She asked a few questions. Explained to me what the procedure was and how she would check me out, then the radiologist would check me out and explain any results. I was shaking like a leaf before that. (The poor gals that had to read my handwriting on all of my paperwork at the front desk… bless their hearts… it was apparently legible enough that they didn’t have any questions.) This tech put me at ease. She took screen shots of places as she was scanning. In my mind, all I could think was, “Dear Lord, give me peace. Whatever the outcome, give me peace only you can give. Give me grace to show these women that are holding the answers to my future.”
Then the radiologist came in to talk to me about the results and do another quick ultrasound scan. She introduced herself and told me what she was going to do, but before that she said, “Everything looks completely normal, I’m just going to take one more look.” BLESS HER! I could breathe again. I even made a joke about how warm their silly gel was when I thought it would be cold.
And just like that, I was fine. I was normal. There was nothing wrong. I don’t have cancer. [That ‘c’ word is a horrible scary word and I wasn’t even ready to say it until I heard that wasn’t it!]
I thanked the Lord right there in that exam room as I got dressed. He knew. He knew I would be okay. even if something had been abnormal before, he chose for it to be normal.
I don’t know why He did that. And this may not be the first time I deal with this situation.
What I do know is this: I know that there are some beautiful, strong, women out there that do not get this news after worrying for so long. And ladies, my heart is weeping for you. It’s breaking into a thousand pieces that there are more of you going through this very thing, even more invasive than this. Those who don’t know yet and are still worried. Those who know and don’t even know what’s about to come. Those who are in the thick of treatment. Those who have had treatment and are waiting a clean bill of health. Those who are facing it again after receiving that clean bill of health and now it’s revisiting. My heart is hurting for each and every one of you. You are and will be in my prayers, daily. Because I don’t know what else to do but to pray faithfully that He gives you the best testimony to His greatness that He can give so we can all shout His praises regardless and in spite of our circumstances.
Don’t let the fear of what you don’t know consume you… Its so easy to do.
Don’t let your fear be a reason you wait to get checked out. Don’t wait too long.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ESV But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Messy Jesi 